


it's like wishing for rain as i stand in the desert.

by kindahannah



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Angst, Best Friends, Fluff, M/M, hopeless crush, its mostly harry and niall centric, its mostly sad though tbh, the rest are only mentioned, the rest of the boys pop in and out but, towards the end
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-13
Updated: 2014-01-13
Packaged: 2018-01-08 14:10:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,289
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1133578
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kindahannah/pseuds/kindahannah
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Harry Styles didn't used to be one of those people who thinks about love a lot, or one of those people who enjoys sappy love stories, or one of those people who sits around watching rom-coms.  He used to dislike the romance novels his sister, Gemma, liked to read when she was in high school -- The ones with a couple kissing on the front cover, that Harry used to read as well, mostly because he didn't know boys weren't supposed to like those kinds of books.  He used to be bored by movies like P.S. I Love You, and The Notebook, and A Walk to Remember -- Love Actually was an exception to this -- thinking that the characters should do more that just pine for true love.</p>
<p>No, Harry was never a hopeless romantic until he fell for Niall Horan.</p>
            </blockquote>





	it's like wishing for rain as i stand in the desert.

**Author's Note:**

> alright, okay, so read this first. if you're currently reading 'underneath the same sky' and wondering why the hell i'm writing another fic and then this oneshot as well.. i know. but i'm facing major writers block for the next chapter of that. i'm about half way through and nothing's coming to me, and i needed to write this and get it out of my system, and then hopefully i'll be able to finish up the chapter. thank you for your patience!

Harry Styles didn't used to be one of those people who thinks about love a lot, or one of those people who enjoys sappy love stories, or one of those people who sits around watching rom-coms. He used to dislike the romance novels his sister, Gemma, liked to read when she was in high school -- The ones with a couple kissing on the front cover, that Harry used to read as well, mostly because he didn't know boys weren't supposed to like those kinds of books. He used to be bored by movies like P.S. I Love You, and The Notebook, and A Walk to Remember -- Love Actually was an exception to this -- thinking that the characters should do more that just pine for true love.

No, Harry was never a hopeless romantic until he fell for Niall Horan.

**

He wasn't really sure how long he's been in love with Niall for. What he does know is that they've been best friends since they were little children, after Maura moved in next door, newly divorced just like his own mother. What he does know is that ever since he was young, he's felt the need to protect Niall from anything and everything that made him upset, and as they grew older it intensified. What he does know is that he'd very much like to kiss Niall, and Niall would very much like to kiss the pretty girl from their history class, or their maths class, or whatever girl he's going after at that point.

What he does know is falling for your best friend hurts, a lot, and that you should definitely never do it. Because even though you're painfully in love with them, you can't tell them. And you still have to sit there and listen to them talk about how fit some girl you don't care about is. And you have to pretend it's not a horrible mixture of sadness and anger and jealousy when you see them hugging and kissing whatever girl they're with at the time. And that's hard.

It's especially hard when you're laying in their bed, watching some dumb movie that they're paying more attention to than you, since you're mainly focused on the way their lips curve up slightly when something happens that they like, and how intently focused on the movie they really are.

And Harry tries not to stare at Niall, he really does. But it's just hard because he's so, so gorgeous and content, and his lips are pretty and pink and soft, and his eyes are kind of twinkling a little bit, and Harry could really go for maybe kissing him a little bit. But he can't.

It could be worse, and he knows that. He could still be dating that girl, who's name was either Tiffany or Sarah or Katie -- He doesn't like to think about Niall dating anyone else, okay? It makes his blood boil. He's very selfish like that, not wanting to share Niall with anyone. Sometimes not even their friends, because they're all pretty stunning. Especially Zayn, who's openly bisexual, and could probably even turn Niall gay when Harry's pretty much positive that he's 99% straight. (That 1% of gay is for Michael Bublé.)

Harry's almost too busy thinking to hear Niall repeating his name, trying to get his attention. Luckily, he zoned out while his gaze was still on the TV screen, and not on Niall's face, and he adds that to the tally of nights when Niall was painfully oblivious to his affections, and he's not sure if that's good or bad anymore.

He snaps out of his thoughts once more to look up at Niall, eyebrow slightly raised as Niall chuckled softly and bumped his knee against Harry's in a playful and, he reminded himself, platonic way. "Are you staying for dinner?" He asks, the same way he does most nights that Harry's over. And usually he asks it for Harry to nod happily, and then for them to return their attention to whatever they were doing before. But Harry isn't sure if he can do it again.

His feelings for Niall are getting stronger by the day, and it's dumb, and he hates it, but he doesn't think he can sit through another meal with Niall and his mum, having her ask how he's doing and if he's seeing anyone. He'd have to shake his head and force a little smile onto his face and tell her no, he wasn't, but not tell her that it's because he's hopelessly in love with her son, and not anyone else.

So instead of saying yes this time, he shrugs a little bit. "I should probably be getting home soon. I promised to help Gemma with something," He replies, trying to be nonchalant, and not apologize immediately and take it back and tell Niall that of course he'll stay. It really does take all his willpower to stick by his words, especially after Niall frowns at him, studying his expression before huffing out a small 'okay' and turning his gaze back to the movie. 

Harry leaves before the credits are done rolling.

**

When he walks back into his own house, Gemma's sitting on the couch, and she looks over at him with concerned eyes. Gemma can always tell if something's wrong with Harry, and she calls him over to talk.

She already knows about Harry's crush on Niall, and he confirms her suspicion of the crush getting worse. ("You're in love with him, aren't you, Harry?" She asks and he nods a little, feeling tears prick at his eyes.) And then she hugs him into her side and let's him cry about it for a little bit, and says she's so sorry that he has to go through this, that it's not fair, and that he deserves someone who loves him. Harry agrees with all of these, but the only thing he wants is Niall.

**

Harry can feel himself getting more and more sad by the day, and all he wants is for Niall to hold him and kiss him until he's better again.

**

One day, Harry comes to a realization. It's with the help of Louis, of course, but he still comes to a realization.

He's sitting in class, his gaze continuing to drift towards Niall, who's sitting a few rows ahead and shamelessly flirting with a cute blonde girl, who's painfully his type and painfully not like Harry. He knows he obvious, but he doesn't care. He doesn't care who sees his longing gaze, or his hurt frown. It's mostly because nobody ever really looks at Harry, granted, but he still doesn't care.

Louis, for some reason, does look, though. He elbows Harry in the side gently, and Harry tears his gaze away from Niall to Louis, who's looking at him with a concerned and knowing frown. "If he hurts you so much, why do you stick so close?" He whispers, and Harry blinks. 

It's a new revelation to him, really. He'd never put two and two together. See, Harry blamed himself for the whole ordeal, mostly. He was the one who fell in love with Niall in the first place, knowing it'd never go anywhere. He'd never once thought about putting the blame on Niall for a change. Not until now.

He doesn't reply, but Louis is probably his second best friend, and he can probably see the way understanding dawns in Harry's eyes, and he can probably see the gears turning in his head. He probably doesn't know what he just started, though.

**

It's after that day that Harry begins to distance himself from Niall. It's subtle at first, and he knows that Niall can't tell. But slowly his trips to Niall's house become less frequent. He doesn't stop at Niall's locker between every class anymore. He sits on the other side of the lunch table. He drives himself to school in the morning. 

Niall used to continue to make an effort, still texting him and inviting him over for a movie night, or for dinner, or to play videogames, and he even resorts to homework when he's tried everything else. But then, one day, he just stops.

When Harry passes by him in the hallway, Niall isn't looking for him. He doesn't linger by his locker in case Harry might come by. He doesn't make an effort to talk to Harry across the lunch table. He doesn't text Harry asking if he needs a ride. He doesn't text Harry at all.

At first, it's a mixture of lonely and liberating, and he can't tell if he likes it or not. Then it gradually fades into just being liberating, and for a little while he forgets about how in love with Niall he really is.

He soon discovers it's not that simple. It's kind of like a drug. At first, everything's fine. It helps, and he's fine, and he's almost happy. But then the effects wear off slowly, they pull him down until he feels like he's drowning. And he realizes that he really can't live without Niall in his life.

**

It's raining when Harry realizes that he needs to get Niall back. Of course it's raining. It's Holmes Chapel, and it's January, and all it ever does it rain. But it's actually raining, not some light drizzle that makes everything wet. It's full on pouring, has been for almost a week, and people are starting worry about flooding. (It's not a major concern, of course, but people are still worried, how people are).

He's sitting alone in his room, like he is most days, because it turns out the rest of his friends like Niall more than they like him. He knew that before he stopped talking to Niall. Everyone loves Niall and no one loves Harry, so it only makes sense. He ended up with his only friend being Gemma, though sometimes Louis would talk to him in school, but not out of it. And even Gemma was starting to get tired of him hanging around all the time.

Anyways, he's alone. It's Saturday night, and he finished his homework already. He finished it after school on Friday, actually, since he didn't have anywhere to go or anyone to see. His sister is out with her friends, and his mom is working late, and Harry is so alone that it hurts. 

He's been hurting a lot lately, and he doesn't know how much longer he can hurt like this. He knows he needs Niall back, but Niall won't want him back. He has so many friends. He has so many people that he can go to if he wants to. He has so many people who want to be his best friend. Harry was lucky that Niall picked him in the first place. If he was Niall, and he had the choice between himself and people like Zayn and Liam and Louis, he wouldn't have even given himself a second glance. 

But he loves Niall, he loves him so much. He's just terrified of going next-door, knocking on the door to have it open and see Niall, and for Niall to see him. Maybe he'd be angry, maybe he'd close the door on Harry's face, maybe he'd tell him not to try, and that their friendship is over, it has been for a while now. Harry isn't sure he could handle the rejection. 

But by nine at night, he's still alone, and the rain is drumming down on the roof at a steady and heavy pace, and he's desperate. So he pulls on a sweatshirt and shoes and heads off, standing on his front porch for a good few minutes before slowly starting to walk over to Niall's. It's only a handful of steps away, but it's raining hard enough and Harry's walking slow enough that he's soaked by the time he's standing on Niall's front porch.

He stands there for a long while, just staring at the door and imagining all the possibilities. But somehow he musters up the courage to knock, and after he does, he wants to step away. He wants to run away, actually, but he feels like he's glued to the spot. 

Finally the door opens, and he sees Niall, and once he does he feels like he can finally breathe again. Niall looks confused, really. His hair is soft and messy on his head, and he looks comfy, but terribly confused. And not really very happy to see him. "Harry?" He asks, his eyebrows furrowing up slightly.

Harry wants to cry. Actually, he thinks he might, but his face is already wet enough that he can't tell whether he actually does. He just stands there, completely out of words, just staring at Niall. And he feels like an idiot, so when he finally finds control of his legs, he takes a few steps back and moves to go back home without saying anything. 

Once he's two steps onto the sidewalk, he hears Niall again. "Wait," He speaks up, and Harry freezes. His back is to Niall, his head looking down at the ground, and he chews on his lower lip nervously, waiting for what Niall might say. He's a gentle person, and he doesn't get angry very often, but he has every right to now. Harry doesn't think he's ever seen Niall be angry with him, but he has a sinking suspicion that he might be now. "Where have you been?"

These weren't the words that Harry was expecting to hear, and he turns around slowly to look up at Niall, who's leaning on the door frame and watching Harry, still confused.

"Home. My room, mostly. Sometimes the living room," He hears himself say, and it's the dumbest response ever, and he doesn't even remember thinking about saying it. Niall doesn't laugh the way he usually does when Harry says something dumb, because they both know he's being painfully honest. And it's kind of sad. It even sounds sad and lame to Harry, so he knows that it must sound pitiful to Niall.

"Why?" Niall asks quietly, and Harry can barely hear him over the rain pounding on the road behind him. He knows what he's asking. He wants to know why Harry left in the first place.

Harry stays quiet for what feels like an eternity. Neither of them move, neither of them speak. They just stand there and stare. Then Harry does the thing where he speaks without thinking again.

"Because I'm in love with you."

Niall's eyes go huge at this, his mouth forms a little 'o', and he looks like he understands everything. Harry's mortified, and humiliated, and sad, and cold, and wet, and he really, really wants to go home. "Harry.." Niall mumbles, but Harry shakes his head, taking a shaky breath.

"It's okay," He replies, blinking quickly so he doesn't start to cry, assuming that Niall was going to apologize and say that he didn't feel the same way. "I know you don't."

Niall steps out of his house now, after putting on shoes, and he keeps the door open as he walks down to meet Harry on the sidewalk. Harry instinctively takes a step back, as if stepping away from Niall solves the problem and doesn't make it worse. Except he's already tried that, and it definitely doesn't make it better. 

"Please don't," Harry whimpers, sounding absolutely pitiful at this point. And to be fair, he is. But Niall shake his head and looks at Harry, his eyebrows knit together in concern, and in sadness, and Harry wants to wipe it right off his face. Niall's too beautiful to be upset, especially over someone like him. "It's fine. I'm used to it."

A wave of hurt crashes over Niall at this point, and Harry feels horribly guilty for coming in the first place. "I'm so sorry," Niall whispers, still looking pained at the realization that he hurt Harry all the time over this.

Harry shakes his head quickly, but it makes him a little dizzy and he realizes he's actually not breathing. So he takes a slow breath, which quickly turns into something short of hyperventilating, and Harry's dumb and he hates himself. "No, you didn't mean to," He manages to get out, raising a shaking hand to wipe at his eyes quickly, then pushed his wet hair that had been plastered down to his forehead away from his eyes. "It's fine."

"It's not fine," Niall insists, his voice even sounding like he'd just been punched in the gut, and Harry wants to die just because he made Niall feel like that. "Harry, you don't get it? I care about you more than anyone in the world and I.. I hurt you."

Harry watches him until his eyes flood over with tears again, and Niall's figure is blurry for a moment until he can blink the tears out of his eyes and continue. "It's my fault. I didn't to fall in love with you," He mumbled, feeling awful, more awful than he did when he was alone in his room. "I'm sorry."

Niall takes a little step closer now, and he's near enough that Harry could reach and touch him if he wanted to. And he does want to, but he won't. "Please don't apologize. Please don't stop," Niall whispers, and it's almost a plea.

Harry stops thinking for a moment, just looks at Niall, his reply slowly processing in his mind. Don't stop? Don't stop what? Loving him? But before he can ask, their lips are pressed together. He can't remember who initiated it, or who stepped forward. He thinks maybe it was both of them. But that doesn't matter, because Niall's kissing Harry, and it's raining, and Niall's arms are wrapping around his neck, and he's moving to hold his waist, and this is everything he imagined.

Niall's mouth is hot, and his lips are soft, and he loves the way that Niall's fingers are instinctively moving to knot in his hair, and he could kiss him forever.

But soon, too soon, Niall is pulling away to look at him, eyes soft and worried, and Harry's worried that maybe it wasn't right. Maybe it turned out that Niall actually wants him to go home, to stop loving him after all. But then he speaks up again. "I love you, Harry," He whispers, and he doesn't sound unsure.

Harry waits for a laugh, or for Niall to step away, or for him to tell him that he was joking. Waiting for it to be a cruel payback for being such a douche. But Niall doesn't do any of those, and Harry breathes out in relief. "I love you, Niall," He replies quietly, and then they're kissing again. They're kissing for the longest time before Harry feels Niall shiver against him, and he insists that it's time to go inside, not wanting Niall to get sick. Niall makes Harry come in and dry off, too.

**

They end up wrapped up in Niall's bed, under his blankets, curled into each other, kissing slowly. They whisper sweet nothings, exchange gentle touches, and kiss even more. And for the first time in a long time, Harry's happy. 

He falls asleep there after Niall tells him not to leave again, his head tucked into the crook of Niall's neck, breathing him in and sighing him back out. He's almost completely asleep when he hears Niall's voice again, his lips pressed against his ear. He's too close to sleep to respond, but he smiles against Niall's skin, and he falls asleep with those words playing over and over in his head.

"I love you so much, Harry Styles."


End file.
